I’ve received several notes and calls from friends and acquaintances about their New Year’s resolutions. Interestingly, what they’re struggling with the most is pushback from well-meaning friends who “know” what is best and are acting as naysayers in their journeys. As I read and listened, I reflected on how easily in the name of “helping,” I might also have blocked someone else’s path. Was I more of a hindrance than a help in spite of my very best intentions?
There’s a song from the late ’60s by Mama Cass Elliot called “Make Your Own Kind of Music” that speaks to this. In it is the line: “If you cannot take my hand, I will understand.” That is a most empowering statement! It acknowledges the right of each of us to map out our own journey and learn from that experience. Often, those of us who are trying to be helpful pay lip service to someone charting his or her course—but still try to adjust their map to fit the way we’ve found worked best for us to reach our own destination.
Being supportive is a critical part of why we join together. The caution comes in trying to control someone else’s course so that it conforms to the road we’ve chosen for ourselves. We run the risk of losing the ability to help and support when we insist that it’s “my way on the highway.”
Two other quotes by unknown authors popped into my mind as I wrote that line:
- “All roads lead to Rome.”
- “Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.”
Sometimes we help best by being a sounding board on which to bounce ideas rather than being a travel advisor.
The most powerful lessons are sometimes learned the hard way through experience (often called the best teacher). The role of supporter at that time isn’t to say, “I tried to tell you,” but rather to act again as a sounding board and ask what lessons were learned to use for the new plan.
I Care, Barb
By sharon clark February 16, 2021
i love your post.
By Barb Maas February 15, 2021
Thank you for, as always, going beyond the mundane & discussing actual dynamics as only you can do so beautifully.
By mary Marson February 11, 2021
sometimes it takes awhile for me to get a chance to read all the TOPS correspondence I receive. Certainly Glad I had time to read this one. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and experiences. Take care.
By Iola Jasper February 2, 2021
It pays to be a good listener too. I often ask my mentor how she handles a certain problem.
We learn from one another then apply it to our situation. Many Kops are reluctant to share ideas since they are afraid of being seen as a “know it all.”
IJ
By Janet Long February 1, 2021
I have been in this situation for a long time. Others telling me what & how to do things. Thanks for the encouragement. It upsets me for someone to tell me how to live my journey. Tops has great tools to follow and that”s what I want to do is use the tools you put before us. Thanks Barb for sharing this with us . God Bless you.
By Florence Wilton February 1, 2021
Excellent advice. Do you know the following saying – “The road to Hell is paved with good intentions”? Being aware of another’s needs and the best way to respond in that situation takes wisdom and compassion.
By Clara Gleghorn February 1, 2021
I always enjoy your posts, and I especially like this one. I think we, especially KOPS, tend to say, “Well, I tried everything and this worked for me” instead of listening to what someone is trying to tell us! Thank you for your continued caring – – –